After I Died, My Husband Went Mad - Chapter 141
Watts agreed to help Sebelia by offering his services as a translator rather than paying for the medical services. Though it was, in part, a way for him to ease his guilt, Sebelia didn’t feel bad about it at all.
Sebelia gained an important realization from his actions — a realization about her relationship with Dehart.
* * *
[Since I had lost everything, saving him instead of taking revenge probably served to satisfy my own pitiful sense of righteousness.]
Watts’ words made Sebelia realize something she hadn’t fully understood before. When she left Hillend Hall, she had thought, like Watts, that she would lose everything in the process.
Since she would lose everything with her death, she thought she would leave without regrets or attachment. She didn’t feel the desire for revenge against anyone, including Gren and Flora.
But the situation had changed.
Returning to her room, Sebelia sat at the table and thought carefully. Watts had said he didn’t take revenge on Henkit because it would satisfy his own hypocrisy. So what about her?
Now that I have nothing left to lose, do I want to take revenge on him?
She recalled the strange thrill she felt when she was with him. Thinking of the joy that surged when she saw him fall apart, and the resentment that boiled in her chest, she wondered if she might actually want revenge.
If so, what kind of revenge do I want?
Sebelia had never once spoken of revenge in her life. Even when she was humiliated at the Marquis of Wheddon’s house and Hillend Hall, the thought of revenge never crossed her mind.
Before she left, she had tricked Nathan and Flora with a little illusion, but that couldn’t be called revenge. She had just returned what was given to her. So why didn’t she think of doing more? Why didn’t she want to completely overturn Hillend Hall and pay back what was done to her?
The answer was simple.
“I was raised this way.”
A cold smile briefly appeared and vanished from her lips.
Sebelia had been taught from a young age to bow down to violence, to endure unjust situations, and to deeply root resignation into her heart. If she dropped her utensils, her meal would be taken away. If she expressed annoyance even once, she would be locked in a closet.
Raised this way, how could she ever think of seeking revenge beyond self-defense?
The more I realize about myself, the more the misery grows.
Sebelia turned her gaze to the window, absentmindedly fiddling with the cross in her hand. Even the greatest philosophers said, “People will never fully understand themselves until the day they die,” but for her, it seemed more extreme than that.
So, it wasn’t that her past self didn’t want revenge, but rather that she couldn’t even dare to dream of it.
I was no different from a well-trained dog.
Sebelia stared at her reflection in the window for a moment before lowering her gaze. The blue jewel reflected in the glass glimmered beautifully, like a fruit fallen onto a snow-covered field.
“Now that I think about it, this was something I bought from a merchant my father sent.”
It was an ironic thought. Sebelia swallowed a bitter laugh, shaking her head. When she thought about how much her father’s punishment and upbringing had shaped her, she couldn’t even find the words.
In the end, even when her father had betrayed her, she had never thought of seeking revenge.
“Looking back, it really was a foolish life.”
Her voice echoed softly in the room. It wasn’t trembling with sadness or struggling with pain.
“It was a pitiful life too…”
Sebelia left Hillend Hall and entered the world at a late age. Though her experiences had been few, they had been meaningful, and as a result, she realized how weak and obedient she had lived her life.
Now, it was time to move forward, using what she had learned. And for that, she needed to bring the current confusion to an end.
“Completely cutting ties with the past is impossible, so a new approach is needed.”
Even if she officially declared her death with a funeral and paperwork, she couldn’t kill the living Sebelia Inverness inside her. Having realized that, Sebelia could no longer treat Dehart like someone she was meeting for the first time.
The question was what to do next. How should she approach him? Should she treat him as someone to pour her resentment onto, as a target for revenge?
“Sigh…”
The answer to this question was still unclear. Sebelia felt frustrated, not knowing what her true feelings were, buried as they were in confusion.
While Sebelia was lost in deep thought, Claude finished preparing for their lesson and knocked on her door.
Knock knock.
“May I come in?”
“Oh, Mr. Claude.”
How had time passed so quickly? Sebelia stood up to greet him.
Now, she had to erase all thoughts of Dehart from her mind. She couldn’t afford to think about how he was doing in the depths of the valley anymore.
