Come and Cry at My Funeral - Chapter 191
Where the heart is
Izar was looking at her as if he were facing a dead person. Freesia furrowed her brow, unable to grasp the intent behind his question.
“What? What do you mean?”
“I’m talking about your pregnancy. The physician didn’t detect any signs during our journey here.”
“Oh. I’m not certain.”
What now? Freesia tilted her head quizzically.
“I just suspected it because I missed my cycle. Contraceptives aren’t foolproof, after all.”
“…Are you deliberately avoiding giving me a straight answer?”
Despite Freesia’s reply, Izar’s face remained rigid and frozen. Since the tension between them had eased slightly before coming to the capital, this was the first time he had spoken to her so harshly.
“What I want to know is when you first suspected you were pregnant.”
“……”
“Was it when we reunited? Did you already have an inkling back then?”
“Does it matter?”
“It does!”
Unable to hold back, Izar took a step closer, his voice rising. Though he suppressed his volume to avoid shouting outright, the raw intensity of his emotions came through unfiltered.
“If it were the you from before…! Before that bastard took you away, you would have told me the moment you suspected it!”
When Freesia had confessed that she didn’t have long to live, she had blushed and asked him to avoid climaxing inside her just in case.
For someone like her, to willingly share a bed in the precarious early stages of pregnancy?
‘She, of all people, would know better than anyone the risks of not being cautious during such a time.’
But if she had known and still hadn’t said anything…
“You didn’t tell me because of that bastard.”
“……”
“Was it because of what happened during your time in captivity? Or was it because of…”
Izar clenched his teeth and stopped mid-sentence. It felt like someone had cracked open his chest and was stabbing his heart with a dagger. It was hell.
“Was it because losing this child wouldn’t matter to you?”
“……”
“Or because it wouldn’t matter if you died as a result?”
“……”
“Please, answer me, Freesia.”
Even Freesia was momentarily taken aback by his intensity and didn’t respond right away.
‘He’s more perceptive than I thought.’
The biggest reason she had agreed to intimacy, despite knowing the risks, was the scandal of her chastity after being kidnapped, as well as Izar’s guilt. Yet, perhaps, a part of her had also thought it wouldn’t hurt to make Izar feel despair a little earlier.
“It’s just speculation.”
But such grim thoughts were far removed from the image of a wife ‘forgiving her husband’s deceit.’
“I told you already. A woman’s cycle isn’t always reliable, and I didn’t want to completely separate from you under the Emperor’s orders… Of course, the stories about Canopus didn’t have no influence—”
“Canopus?”
Izar’s voice dropped to a chilling whisper. Freesia realized her slip but couldn’t backtrack now.
“…Your half-brother. He had the same name when he was a priest.”
“You called him by his name so casually?”
Freesia shrugged and avoided Izar’s piercing gaze.
“I addressed him respectfully, so there was no reason not to use his name. But I swear, I never did anything shameful.”
“What I want to know is whether you harbored feelings for that bastard.”
“……”
“Freesia.”
She remained silent, simply looking up at him with an unreadable expression. Izar seemed unbearably desperate, as though he were the one drowning in a lake.
In truth, Freesia no longer felt any positive feelings for Canopus. But if Izar could be driven to greater despair, she saw no harm in offering a vague response.
“I don’t know. Men who treat me with such courtesy have been rare.”
“……”
At her words, Izar fell silent. He had felt fleeting inferiority before, particularly because of Albireo Deneb, but this was suffocating beyond comparison.
A profound sense of defeat overcame him, as though the ground beneath his feet had crumbled away.
And along with it came a bitter truth.
“You… really haven’t forgiven me at all.”
“Haa. Didn’t I already tell you? It’s impossible to forgive you so easily.”
“No. In truth, you’ve never even given me the slightest chance for that.”
“What are you talking about?”
“No matter how much time passes, you have no intention of forgiving me. You still despise me, but you’re forcing yourself to endure it.”
The unease had haunted him since the day he held her in his arms. From the way she seemed unwilling to accept the pleasure he gave her, he had already sensed it.
But he wanted to fool himself, to cling to the faint hope that perhaps, just maybe, Freesia might forgive him someday if he tried hard enough.
As it turned out, his foreboding instincts were correct.
“And yet, the reason you chose to stay by my side was to remind me every day that I will never be forgiven, wasn’t it?”
“……”
“Not that it matters. I… I can’t let you go anymore.”
Izar ran a hand wearily over his face and let out a dry, bitter laugh.
“Then why don’t you tell me honestly now? Just how much of it was a lie?”
“Duke, please—”
“Hiding your pregnancy, lying about the future of our relationship—”
“And you think you have the right to accuse me of lying?”
Freesia finally snapped, unable to suppress her anger under his relentless questioning.
But this time, unlike on their journey to the capital when Izar had silently endured her cold treatment, he did not back down.
“You’re right. I have no right. That’s why I had to stay silent even when His Majesty brought up divorce right in front of me.”
It wasn’t just the open reprimands at the dining table. Even before Freesia’s formal investiture, the Emperor had subtly suggested that Izar consider parting ways with her.
If they were to write a new marriage oath anyway, wouldn’t now be the perfect time for a fresh start? The memory of those conversations made Izar’s lips twist in displeasure.
But when he cupped Freesia’s cheeks, his twisted smile disappeared entirely.
“And yet, how could you lie to me about your own lifespan…!”
