Don't Be Holy! - Chapter 30
‘Could he be talking about Chris Palmer?’
Eir suddenly remembered someone.
That energetic blonde man who was always by Rubel’s side. Unlike Rubel, who appeared subtly irritable and difficult, Chris’s kindness always seemed to brighten the atmosphere.
Eir remembered him well, having exchanged words with Chris Palmer a few times herself.
A person like a clear lake.
She remembered him as an innocent person who always walked the righteous path, whose intentions were completely transparent.
“I’m sorry. Things turned out this way.”
Rubel whispered, his face buried deep in her neckline. His voice carried the deep regret that only someone who had lost something precious could express.
Come to think of it, she recalled something she had considered before.
If Rubel Shinote had been found in such a mess, having lost his memories, wouldn’t that mean the knight order he belonged to had been completely wiped out?
At that time, she hadn’t thought about Chris Palmer at all.
“I’m sorry.”
Rubel whispered again. His powerless hand slid down her shoulder and fell to the side. He mumbled regretfully, rubbing his forehead near Eir’s collarbone.
Blood trickled down Eir’s finger from her earlier wound, and her arms were awkwardly spread. She found herself strangely affected by Rubel muttering words of regret in his drug and alcohol-induced state, unable to decide what to do.
Finally, she gently patted his slumped shoulders.
“It’s alright.”
Her words quietly echoed in the narrow room.
“It couldn’t be helped. I know you had no choice.”
Rubel became suddenly docile, as if he had been waiting for someone to say those words. Blood stained his shoulder, and Eir embraced him more awkwardly. If he had been in his right mind, she would never have dared do this.
But he was drunk, and since he probably wouldn’t remember tonight’s events, she could be more honest. She reached out and stroked the back of his head. His smooth hair filled her hand, and she thought that if she was very careful, she might even be able to touch his scars.
She continued speaking.
“You said it yourself, that you lived only as God’s servant. I can’t imagine you acting on personal feelings during a mission. So everything must have been God’s will, not your fault. Of course, I know how painful it is to lose someone precious, and I understand that it’s even harder to accept when it’s God’s will.”
The thought of why God could be so cruel.
Once that doubt begins, it’s endless. Eir knew well how poisonous such thoughts could be for Rubel. He was someone who could endure any misfortune that befell himself, which made it even worse.
If he had been the one to die, it wouldn’t have mattered. But for God to suddenly take someone he considered too good, it must have been unbearable.
“But it wasn’t your fault. It might seem that way, but in the end, it wasn’t. You know that too.”
Eir whispered while struggling to support Rubel’s heavy weight against her.
Though she had come here tonight to send him away, to cut his hair, if God had called her here for a different purpose, she could fully accept that.
The words flowed naturally, as if she had long thought about what to say to him. It didn’t feel like comfort forced to escape the situation, but rather as if God was using her voice to speak words that needed to reach him someday.
He burrowed closer to her, as if listening intently.
Eir was about to tell him in his dreams that the dead harbor no resentment. If Chris Palmer was blaming him in his dreams, that was surely just an illusion he had created, and it was okay to wake up from it.
But at that moment, his weight became too heavy, and she fell backward. The bottles set up in the room toppled over, creating a sound like church bells, ringing with a loud and almost sacred quality.
When she came to her senses, Rubel was right in front of her face, holding the scissors she had dropped and threatening her neck with them.
Unlike her expectation that he would be drunk and drugged, his eyes were incredibly sharp, gleaming in the darkness as if reflecting all the moonlight.
“How do you know about that?”
He growled like a wounded beast.
Eir was so shocked she couldn’t even guess how things had turned out this way. Rubel mumbled while carefully examining Eir lying among the fallen bottles from above.
“Pretending to comfort me, aren’t you just saying what you want to hear? Is that the trademark of your kind, disguising deception as kindness?”
The scissors’ blade pressed more threateningly against her throat. She instinctively knew that where he held the blade was an extremely dangerous spot.
