Even Death Was Taken Away by That Obsession - Chapter 19
As if helping my escapade, the sky was dark, looking like it would pour white snow at any moment.
The castle was originally filled with only necessary people, but on that day, not a single person was in sight until the moment I stepped out alone.
That night, my outing was eerily quiet.
‘Was it this easy?’
I paused my steps and looked back at the castle, which still seemed large.
Despite many people staying there, it was a chillingly silent space.
Suddenly, I had a feeling that I shouldn’t go.
It felt like if I left this quiet place, something irreversible would happen.
That intuition was a warning.
Yet, I ignored it.
It was because I was excited like a child before their first picnic, for this outing alone after who knows how many years.
***
I quietly made my way to an ordinary village where ordinary people lived.
The place I courageously sought out was a tavern on the street.
The large wooden building full of people was a place brimming with vitality unsuited to winter.
Clutching the hem of my robe, I swallowed dryly and gazed, mesmerized, at the place beyond the entrance.
The smell of people there was unfamiliar, but cleaner and lighter than I expected.
Was it because what I had been smelling until now wasn’t entirely happiness?
Like someone who wouldn’t mind if their breath stopped, I inhaled deeply the noisy scent of that place.
-Hey, I’m busy, don’t bother me and move aside!
Although I was treated like a crazy woman, I didn’t falter and quietly found a corner table to sit at.
The owner, who was about to chase me out, suddenly changed his attitude and fawned over me when I discreetly slipped him a gold coin.
I ordered some random drink and blankly observed the people.
‘Why are they all so busy?’
What could they have so much to say, what makes them so happy and sad? What makes them so angry and sorrowful?
Is it okay that I’ve forgotten such things?
It was enough just to eavesdrop on conversations occasionally and imagine the circumstances of these strangers, but even that was plenty entertaining.
I enjoyed the leisurely passing of time, sipping cheap alcohol that didn’t suit my taste.
I had a vague thought that spending time alone like this occasionally might not be bad.
When I return to the castle, I’ll talk about it.
I’ll carefully bring up what happened today and ask to look around the village alone sometimes.
He would understand.
Because he loves me.
More sincerely than anyone or anything else in this world.
-Hello?
While I was imagining a good ending on my own, a stranger approached.
He was a young man with an ordinary appearance who looked about my age.
-What brings someone from such a noble place here?
-Noble place?
-It seems you wanted to pretend to be an ordinary lady, but no matter how I look at you, you seem like a well-raised young lady who snuck out.
-…
-Well, I just said that casually. Next time, don’t make such an expression even if someone sees through the truth.
-What was my expression like?
-Your ears turned red.
The man smiled as he scrutinized my face.
Ah, yes. A man whose name I can’t even remember. A person whose face is only vaguely familiar.
But the terror of that day is still vivid.
-I came out because I felt stifled.
-What made you feel so stifled?
-Well…
-You seem to have worries.
-It’s not quite worrying, but…
I hesitated, then gradually continued speaking, mixing in appropriate lies as I told my story.
Perhaps because I thought I would never meet this person again?
Soon, even stories I couldn’t tell ‘him’ came out easily.
The man who listened to my story with interest also shared trivial details about how his servant doesn’t listen to him, or how this year’s earnings are different from last year’s.
It was really comfortable.
Despite having to shout occasionally to exchange words amidst the noise typical of a tavern, the joy outweighed the discomfort.
I held the overwhelmingly large glass with both hands and complained while downing the strong alcohol it contained.
-I might need a friend.
The man laughed at me with unbelievable candor.
-You’re such an interesting young lady. By the way, it’s quite late.
-Hmm, is it?
-Isn’t it about time you hurried back to that castle of yours, wherever it is? It seems the darkness will deepen soon.
The window he gestured towards showed it was already bright with moonlight.
But I had gained a day of freedom, and this village wasn’t far from the castle.
It seems a bit late, but I thought complacently that it would be okay to indulge a little more.
-You go ahead. I’ll leave later.
-Miss, I’m telling you the night has deepened?
-It’s fine today.
I’m just sharing a cheap drink with a harmless man in a large tavern, after all.
-It’s okay today because he’s not here…
I muttered to myself and asked a passing waitress for another drink.
No matter how much I drank, I didn’t feel intoxicated, my mind remained clear.
If only I had been so inebriated that I couldn’t even lift a finger.
No, I must have been terribly drunk. Otherwise…
-Haine.
There’s no way I could have felt his voice, so gentle, to be chilling.
I know who it is that placed his hand on my shoulder and whispered.
My hatred and curse.
My blessing and hell, and my only… my love.
It was ‘him’.
-Are you enjoying the game?
My body, which had been warm from alcohol, grew cold.
I couldn’t speak due to shock.
He, seemingly unconcerned about that, gently kissed my forehead.
-I came to pick you up. You seemed to be deeply immersed in the game.
Game… I don’t know why I hated that word so much.
Despite that, for some reason, I couldn’t utter a single word of defiance.
My face grew cold and stiff.
Unable to open my mouth easily, a heavy sense of guilt pressed on my chest, feeling like I should make some excuse.
-Who are you?
The man who had been my conversation partner asked, alternately examining my pale face and his.
He seemed completely unaware of who the man holding my shoulder was.
‘Run away.’
I screamed silently with a mouth I couldn’t open.
I hated and derided myself for trembling cowardly, unable to even warn him to please, please run away.
-Don’t waste your precious time in a place like this.
He bent down gently as if he couldn’t hear the stranger’s voice.
And whispered with utmost gentleness.
-You don’t belong in a place like this. Let’s go back.
-…
-We barely have enough time to spend together, right?
He, who should know the meaning of eternity, acted as if time was scarce and precious.
The deepened night suddenly began to pour large snowflakes.
On that day, unusually warm for winter, I became sad without knowing why.
-Yes, let’s go back. To our castle.
Although I was quite upset, that was the best I could manage to say.
I thought that whatever I heard or whatever happened upon returning, it would be for me to bear.
I arrogantly believed that if I could just endure him in our space, nothing harsh would happen to innocent people.
I don’t know why I thought that way.
‘He has never been violent towards me even once.’
Even though he had never done anything to make me fear or hate him, I trembled like an animal sensing a great disaster.
-Miss, are you alright?
But the stranger I had been sharing drinks with happened to be a kind and friendly person.
Of all things, despite having just met me today, he quickly and astutely grasped my state of mind.
-How can you make such a face, as if you’re being dragged to your death?
And he showed unnecessary concern. Not knowing it was hastening his own demise.
‘But you’re right.’
I didn’t want to return to the castle.
I still loved him, but separate from that feeling, I wanted to escape from this current life.
Days without particular emotion.
The temperature of life that becomes numb along with transcending death.
A strange reality that seems entirely up to me, yet where I can’t do anything as I please.
The cold mornings when I realize I can never end this, even as I find it unbearable.
The time filled densely with his love had become a burdensome weight for me.
