Even Death Was Taken Away by That Obsession - Chapter 37
In some immeasurable, distant past.
It was a winter when I was still by ‘his’ side, unable to escape and crying.
-Why are you holed up in a corner like this?
Under the snowy scenery, I saw Feiden looking quite different from now.
Dressed like a proper gentleman, with a face less worn and faded, still holding some vitality.
-Haine? Answer me. Stop crouching there.
After patting my back a few times, he soon became irritable.
Since I remained quiet for so long, he was getting angry instead.
-Go away. I want to be alone.
I curled up, carelessly bunching up my lace-covered dress, and dug at the ground like a boneless dog.
-Again with these useless actions.
My hands, which had been digging through the dirt, stopped at Feiden’s words.
-You can’t escape anyway.
-……
-It’s all pointless struggling, every bit of it. Why not try getting used to ‘him’ instead?
Back then, I desperately needed quiet comfort rather than confirmation of greater despair.
Blood flowed from my dirt-covered fingers. It stung and hurt.
Before that pain could even fade, the wound healed.
As if the pain I felt was a lie.
-Was ‘he’ very angry this time too?
-How would I know that?
-He died in less than a month. Don’t even know where the body is?
Feiden spoke as if talking about a beloved cat dying rather than a person.
-I’ll find him.
-He is already dead anyway. Are you going to hold the corpse and mourn?
-He was someone who loved me. Someone I loved……
-Love? What love? Have you forgotten the meaning of love while staying with ‘him’?
-…Really, you leave me speechless.
My cruel friend, as if he were the conscience hidden in my heart, deliberately exposed things I wanted to ignore.
These undeniable words finally made me surrender.
-Right, what love.
It was just a temporary shelter.
Ashamed of having my true feelings exposed, I began digging at the ground again.
Feiden roughly pulled up my hand.
-Go back to the castle.
-……
-This will only result in more innocent people dying. Don’t you agree?
His cold voice clawed at my heart.
Did Feiden want to frustrate me? To make me admit that I could never stand on my own?
‘Then what about me?’
What should I do about myself, who feels constantly dead?
I stood powerlessly in silence.
The dress had long been covered in dirt and was now stained with blood as well.
Fluttering in the wind like that, I looked just like a corpse.
-Go back… to his side…
Finally, tears burst forth.
I was at a loss for how to endure him any more than this.
Wouldn’t it just be the same story repeating if I went back?
He would possess me, and I would run away.
Just as I always crumbled like this, he remained constant too.
He wouldn’t tolerate me either running away or loving someone else.
A Duchess, an Emperor’s or Princess’s identity.
Sometimes an innocent newcomer in the lowest den or a pure maiden keeping her chastity in a temple.
No matter what form I took, he would inevitably find me.
And with a brilliantly happy face, he would beautifully welcome our reunion.
With his immortal face, each time in a newly splendid form, he would shatter everything of mine to pieces.
To prevent the tragedy from repeating, I had to endure.
I shouldn’t love anyone but him.
I know well that I need to endure him completely.
‘I should do that, I know all this.’
Having become like him, I didn’t know how to give up and repeated the same actions countless times.
Those acts of loving, causing death, grieving, forgetting, and finding new love again.
‘Perhaps I’m truly the worst after all…’
In the end, I had to blame myself.
Without doing so, I couldn’t endure.
***
Among countless escapes, that was probably the first time I returned to his side by my own feet.
Around this time, he occupied a prosperous territory of spring.
Perhaps that’s why his castle was endlessly vast, like a small kingdom.
‘No matter how far I fly, I end up in his embrace anyway.’
I painfully realized each time that struggling was futile, merely stretching a long chain.
-You’ve returned!
Those who knew of my existence welcomed my return with great joy.
-We’ll prepare your bath right away.
-Are you not hungry?
-Let me examine your condition. This way…
I kept my eyes downcast and remained silent even amid their gentle care.
There was no need to share warmth with these people wearing the mask of affectionate servants – they were all his possessions.
Every being in this castle was naturally expected to see, hear, and think entirely from his perspective.
My return was despair for me but good news for the beings here.
‘Well, until now, I’ve always been brought back like hunted prey, though treated elegantly.’
Whether struggling violently, throwing tantrums, being carried back unconscious, or returning in death-like sleep.
I lazily cast my eyes toward the servants wearing identical clothes and acting identically.
‘Are you dolls? Don’t you feel sorry for me? Can you do anything he commands?’
Knowing I’d only receive tattered answers, I bit my lip.
I closed my eyes to savor a moment of peace.
Hell would begin soon.
***
Everything returns.
As it always has, like the beginning.
Always and forever.
-This way, please.
Following the servants’ lead, I washed in warm water and put on a dress I’d never seen before.
While being wrapped in clothes with dazzling patterns and a choker that fit perfectly, this skeletal body stumbled several times.
To think I was being carefully adorned for the man I hate most in the world.
Only in this state could I truly feel I had returned to the castle.
-It suits you very well. You look truly beautiful!
At someone’s voice, I opened my eyes which had been briefly closed from fatigue.
Listlessly gazing into the mirror, I saw an unbelievably radiant face.
It was revolting to see myself made up with things he had chosen, knowing disturbingly well what suited me.
‘Everything is just disgusting.’
I hate that I must meet him soon.
I hate everything.
I hate it, it’s like I exist for him, I really hate it, hate it…
-Remove it.
-Pardon?
-I said remove everything. These accessories, clothes, mirror.
-But…
-Bring something else.
-I apologize, but he ordered you to wear these clothes.
I hate myself as much as I hate him.
I despised how I looked most beautiful under his hand.
I was faster at shattering everything than they were at clearing away the mirror.
Using his power made it infinitely easy.
-If you’re going to be like this, why not just make a doll that looks like me to play with?
I blinked my golden-glinting eyes and silently raged.
As I trembled with uncontrollable anger, they too bowed deeply and shook.
-Why are you afraid?
-……
-Have I ever killed any of you?
-……
-Though you’ve crushed my body in various ways, I’ve never harmed even a hair on your heads.
-……
-Are you saying I treated you as less than human like he did?
-……
-So why are you afraid, I’m asking!
I am trying so hard to be a person, to be human.
So why, I screamed, do you fear me like you fear him?
I haven’t killed anyone.
Not once have I hurt others with my own hands…
While steadying my swaying body, I asked myself.
‘Have I really never hurt anyone?’
When so many people have died because of me?
Though there were numerous servants in the room, I alone was speaking – angry, despairing, whimpering.
It felt as if I were the only living being there.
Despite the reality being quite the opposite.
-Lady Haine, have you finished preparing?
His servant called for me from beyond the door, pretending not to notice the loud commotion.
At his voice’s signal, the room, which had been a mess with broken mirrors, was perfectly cleaned by the servants.
Everything returned to its place without a trace.
Another wound accumulated only in my memory.
It was something that was always repeated.
