Even Death Was Taken Away by That Obsession - Chapter 38

I shook off all their hands and left the room.

Then, turning back irritably, I snapped.

-Follow from a distance.

They quietly bowed their heads, and the path leading to him was exceptionally elegant.

The corridor, filled with dense decorations like an altar leading to a god, was resplendent as if time had stopped.

I squeezed my eyes shut, then cast my gaze toward the distant sky.

The sky was exceptionally clear in the winter wind.

Stopping in the middle of the corridor, I slowly leaned against the railing and took in a deep breath of the cold winter air.

Like a girl experiencing winter for the first time, I tilted my body, playing with the white wisps of my breath.

I wanted to reach out toward the blue light flowing from a place I could never touch.

Even if it meant teetering on the edge of falling.

Sure enough, my gaunt, twisted body swayed precariously.

At that moment, as if refusing to allow even an attempt at death, a servant quickly grabbed my arm.

Irritated by that touch, I growled lowly.

-Remove it.

But the hand holding me didn’t let go until it had safely set me back in the corridor.

-I said remove it.

I coldly raised my head to see the face of the one who dared ignore my words. And for a moment, I swallowed my anger.

The man who was permitted to touch my body despite not being ‘him’.

His black uniform, matching his jet-black hair and dark skin, clearly distinguished him from other servants.

Though his expression was beyond emotionless to the point of severity, his face retained a hint of cuteness unsuited to this place.

-It’s me.

The man, who seemed more fitting to be called a boy, delivered his belated greeting with a calm expression.

As always, he was an emotionless man living like a doll, just like me.

-I know, Raul.

I brushed off Raul’s hand with a thoroughly fake smile.

Then I let out a brief sigh that only he could hear.

-Did you think I’d forgotten you already? How long was I really gone for?

-……

-Right?

Raul was ‘his’ faithful servant and guard.

He was someone everyone respected and followed just like they did him.

However, I considered Raul worse than the servants that filled this place, merely a guard dog.

After all, isn’t he someone who’s broken beyond feeling anything, committing the most vile and filthy acts for him?

Sometimes I felt sorry for his dedication, but other times it disgusted me, feeling like it might be my own eventual fate.

Feeling such strange kinship, I somewhat depended on him, somewhat despised him, and somewhat found him endearing.

That’s why I could never truly hate Raul.

In the end, I saw him as a pitiful being living an endless life like myself.

-Anyway, Raul.

-Yes.

-Would you step back a bit?

-You were in danger.

-I wasn’t trying to die.

-Even so…

-If I wanted to, I could die right under his nose. It’s not like I haven’t tried.

-……

-Anyway, that wasn’t my intention now. Go on.

Perhaps understanding my discomfort, Raul quietly nodded.

Then he followed at a proper distance.

True to my words, it’s not like I hadn’t tried dying in front of him, and since I’d returned voluntarily for once, he was probably relieved I wouldn’t attempt death right away.

But what if I did jump?

This body that can’t even die, this height wouldn’t cause anything serious anyway.

‘Winter is ending.’

It was already midday, and bright light and sunshine filled everywhere.

I walked slowly, sometimes raising my hand to shield my eyes from the pouring light, sometimes stopping to gaze into the empty air.

I dragged out time pathetically, but eventually, my footsteps stopped in front of the large door.

-Haa……

He’s probably listening to the momentary sigh I let out in front of the majestic door that seemed to strangle me.

With every cell of his being on alert, ears perked.

He might be blushing while imagining me falling into despair once again.

Quite satisfied with himself for being the one to shower me with more love than anyone else.

-We’ve arrived.

Raul, who had been briefly observing my complexion, quietly announced with a gesture.

As if permission had been granted, servants whose faces I couldn’t see pushed open the heavy doors with all their might.

Gradually, I could see him sitting far away.

As unchanging as ever, with his beautiful form, sitting in an elegant and noble posture as if the world lay at his feet.

I deeply bowed, imitating a frontier noble lady greeting the most dignified emperor.

It was an exaggerated gesture as if performing in a play. Of course, it wasn’t out of respect for him.

It was to draw a line, showing we weren’t any closer than this.

-Hello.

After offering a composed greeting, I slowly closed the distance like a witch approaching the scaffold.

-It’s been ‘just’ a month.

As if he hadn’t heard my sarcastic greeting, his welcoming voice resonated throughout the vast hall.

-You’ve returned, Haine.

He unfolded his comfortably resting arms and personally rose to welcome me.

To him, whose pure eyes sparkled as if he had a tail that would be wagging, I responded calmly while wearing an inexplicably gentle smile.

-Yes, I’ve returned.

And then I calmly accused him.

-You killed again, I see.

He tilted his head slightly, pretending not to understand my words.

At his shamelessness, resentment rose like wind blowing on barely covered flames.

-Are you really going to pretend you don’t know?

You killed the man I loved again.

That’s why I came back.

The rising resentment dissipated before it could cross my trembling lips.

Though he was the one who killed, my heart felt heavy as if I had done something wrong.

After staying silent for a while, I finally lowered my eyelids without being able to say anything.

The hatred rooted in my heart was already as deep as the ocean, making even a single word too burdensome to utter.

-Haine, don’t be so angry.

I suddenly felt the familiar warmth of his hand cupping my cheek.

The dizzying sensation of his skilled embrace filled from my waist to my shoulders.

-Look at me.

-……

-I was wrong, okay?

His enchanting figure asking for forgiveness was detestable.

Pretending to reflect so properly.

While not feeling sorry at all, not even knowing what that means.

-You were gone for too long, that’s why.

His remorse, completely devoid of sincerity, continued.

-I was worried too. It’s winter. I was really worried you might be suffering somewhere.

I felt drained as he even pouted like a normal lover, speaking in a tone asking for some understanding.

Was a month really long enough to be called too long?

It should be just a fleeting moment he wouldn’t even remember, yet he speaks like this.

Once again, my naive self quickly grasped the truth.

‘Ah, it’s a lie.’

A lie fabricated to appear human. Whispers that felt even more inhuman because of that, filled only with dissonance.

Even though I’m not someone who wouldn’t notice this, you try to deceive me with such lies; everything about you is false.

-Ha, I see. So that’s why.

Sadness caught in my throat, stabbing at my flesh.

While hatred choked me, tears of anger flowed.

In the end, I’m the one who ends up crying without being able to say anything.

-Haine, are you crying?

-……

-Don’t cry….. It was all my fault. I’m really sorry, okay?

His lips touched my cheek. The sensation was soft like a cat’s paw.

Though it was a gentle movement trying to wipe away my tears, I wanted to shake it off somehow. Even while knowing I ultimately couldn’t.

Would it have been easier if your touch hadn’t been so tender?

I found myself making meaningless assumptions about how it would have been better if it wasn’t even warm.

‘Getting swept away again.’

Held against his familiar chest, I criticized myself out of habit.

This wasn’t what I wanted.

This time, I wanted to pour out all my hatred and if not stab his chest with a dagger, at least leave a single wound.

I hated how I helplessly burrowed into the chest I meant to wound.

‘This is what you wanted, isn’t it?’

Controlling me regardless of my will.

Right?

Dekiel.