Even Death Was Taken Away by That Obsession - Chapter 39

I slowly raised my head, swallowing my tears.

The golden-haired man with red eyes smiled brightly.

He seemed delighted that I finally looked at him.

-You’ve gotten so thin. You must have had a hard time outside.

The hands embracing my body were quite affectionate and warm.

The ruby-red eyes beneath the golden hair were still beautiful.

Dekiel held me in his gaze as always.

As if saying he would forgive my deviation, or rather, pretend it never happened.

‘It’s sickening.’

I’m always anxious, both by your side and away from you.

After struggling so desperately to escape, making a mess of everything everywhere.

Yet once I barely escape, every day becomes filled with thoughts of you.

After running away with all my might, I close my eyes expecting you to find me, to chase after me.

My days are spent without a moment’s peace like a child enjoying hide-and-seek while clutching their pounding heart.

-I missed you.

Suddenly, Dekiel buried his nose in my nape and inhaled.

It was an action meant to not miss a single thing about me.

-I need you with me.

His sweet murmur twisted my mood, and I sneered at his actions once again.

-This time I couldn’t even find the body.

He lifted his buried breath at my sharp protest.

I was glad to finally see him waver.

I continued speaking clearly, letting my voice echo through the vast hall.

-The man I loved.

-Haine……

-Ah, are you going to pretend you don’t know? Well, you do hate everything I love.

-……

-Or are you going to say you didn’t kill him?

-…Yes, I didn’t kill him.

After a moment’s consideration, Dekiel calmly agreed with my assumption.

Rather than contemplating how to answer, it seemed more like he genuinely couldn’t remember well.

-Then it was an order. You used your power, telling him to die.

To die on his own.

You must have ordered him to die somewhere far where the body couldn’t be found, or in some cruel way that would leave no remains.

‘Because that would hurt me.’

Because then I would realize the only place I could return to was by your side.

-Still, aren’t you responsible? Since he died by your power.

-……

-No. If we’re talking about responsibility, I suppose I should bear it. He would have lived a normal life if it weren’t for me.

-……

-Because he happened to meet me, because I happened to love him……

-You didn’t love him.

Dekiel lifted my chin.

Meeting those red eyes, I felt chills despite being in his warm embrace.

-Right, Haine?

-……

-Even if you mistook it for love, such things don’t matter anymore.

Dekiel knows well what renders me speechless.

That single phrase about it not mattering made my previously bold lips lose their words.

My mind went blank.

Ah… when will we ever be able to have a proper conversation?

That would be as difficult as my death.

***

When this first happened.

That is, when Dekiel first killed someone I had given my heart to.

Back then, I felt pain as if the world was crumbling.

It hurt as if my heart had been torn out, and I wailed in anguish at being unable to choose death.

Dekiel stroked my back then, offering comfort.

“Cry and grieve all you want. Then you’ll realize it’s pain that will soon disappear anyway.”

After killing them himself, his words telling me to cry as much as I wanted made my teeth clench.

So I made a show of my pain and cried a lot. Like someone bearing grief that would never end.

Yet Dekiel was certain that time wouldn’t be long.

“You can forget. Much faster than you think.”

Those words that strangely echoed in my ears bound me like a curse and soon became truth.

Time moved terrifyingly fast, and years passed as lightly as the wind.

I, who had felt pain with my entire being, soon reached the point where even the faces of those I had loved became dim.

‘What did they call me?’

I had hidden my name, Haine.

And what did I call them……

***

The fading of wounds didn’t mean falling in love with Dekiel again.

Though we lived together like lovers and shared our bodies more passionately than anyone else, everyone in the castle knew we were never truly lovers.

The deeper my contempt for Dekiel grew, the more I despised myself.

So when that grief became desperate, I would run away again.

I repeatedly escaped from Dekiel to find new love, trying to forget everything.

And then I would be caught and witness it.

The sight of the place where I had stayed was crushed and an entire territory was destroyed.

Once, as we stood side by side watching my refuge turn to ashes, Dekiel asked.

-Why do you keep trying to run away when you love me more than anyone else?

I quietly shed tears and swallowed my answer.

‘Indeed. When the result is always the same.’

Why do I keep running away even though I know?

He always crushed others’ lives to reclaim me.

While saying he would give me everything, taking everything from me was what Dekiel did best.

The more I experienced these acts, the more my heart grew numb, as if developing calluses.

I would fall asleep in despair, and when I opened my eyes, I was already back in his castle, my room, by his side. Always back in this tedious, predictable place.

Though my heart seemed to calm from its momentary turbulence, that actually drove me more insane.

-Am I that precious to you?

-Of course.

-You only value me because your ‘power’ doesn’t work on me. Because I’m interesting since I can’t be controlled.

-That’s not true.

Dekiel pressed his lips, which had met mine countless times, against my hand.

Beneath the thin fabric, our bodies were bare.

The soft sensation of touching skin and the temperature that made my body ache sweetly. I looked down at him as if I were the master.

-Back then, my power was weakened. You know. It was right after I had made a village disappear after such a long time.

His excuse flowed smoothly as if he remembered that day particularly well.

-I was desperate not to let you go, and for various reasons, I couldn’t use my power properly.

-……

-Now I could easily do it. ‘Ordering’ you to love me.

-Then do it.

I moved my lips slowly like a wind-up doll running out of power.

-Make it so I won’t suffer anymore. If that’s too difficult, at least erase all my memories……

-No. I don’t want to do such things to you.

After speaking these contradictory words, he removed his lips from my chest and caressed my body.

My fingers, loosening one by one from his touch, went limp.

-I’ll just wait until your anger subsides.

Anytime. For however long it takes.

Dekiel, speaking so sweetly, gently embraced me.

If only he had treated me as less than human, perhaps I could have easily given up on being human myself.

But he was so tender it brought tears to my eyes, and even today, he was kind enough to make me forget everything at times.

I know all too well that he is the only one who can give me such deep love.

-I love you.

If only he wouldn’t whisper like that, if only he wasn’t so gentle.

It would have been better if I had never known your temperature and the pleasure your flesh brings.

‘These acts… they’re really foolish.’

Why am I like this?

Why do I end up enjoying moaning under the weight of your love, even though I shudder with hatred for everything about you?

Dekiel carefully touched and filled my broken self.

The warmth, breath, and pleasure he whispered to my utterly twisted self were still vivid.

So I live in this delusion.

Ah, no one else could receive such love. I must be the person receiving the greatest love in the world.

-Haine.

He grasped me.

Though he held my face, strangely it felt as if my entire body was in his grasp.

-You can’t love anyone else.

Every time, I lost my words to that terribly beautiful face.

Though I surely had so much to say, I closed my eyes in fear of what I had become.

Ah, as always, I hate myself the most.