I Pray That You Forget Me - Chapter 81
‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.
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“Thomas really seems to like you.”
“Fortunately, he follows along well. I think he’s not too hard to connect with, but I’m the first man he’s opened up to. That’s why they’re so keen.”
I wondered what he was talking about…
“They’ve asked me to come over as a private tutor.”
That was the reason for today’s consultation. They weren’t asking him to quit his teaching job but wondered if he could come to the bunker in the late afternoons or evenings after school to teach their child.
“So when Mrs. Hildebrandt asked you to reconsider, she meant…”
“Exactly.”
“You said no?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
It wasn’t because the child was struggling academically and needed more teaching; rather, they hoped he could help their son open up to others. There wouldn’t even be any need to prepare lessons separately. Just spending an hour or two with the child and heading home seemed easy enough.
I couldn’t understand why he would refuse…
“It would mean less time with you.”
“Oh, Johann…”
As we walked down the street, I pulled him into a hug. I couldn’t help it.
“Others are bound to covet you. I covet you too.”
“Why covet what you already possess?”
“Johann… you really aren’t good for my heart.”
With just a few words, this man could squeeze and then release my heart.
“I wish I could show you just how deep my love is, but I’m not as eloquent as you. How can I possibly fit this vast love into just a few words?”
Then I must find another way to express it.
“Johann, would dying for you show how great my love is?”
“Rize, dying is not a favor to me. Not at all.”
“Then, the greatest expression of love I can think of next to death is marriage… but we are already married. We can’t exactly do it again…”
Johann had said that my eager desire to convey my love was already enough, but I wasn’t satisfied with just that. As I racked my brain for a perfect way to express my feelings, an idea that I absolutely loved came to mind.
“I want to have your child.”
All I really have is my body, and giving it to Johann meant giving him everything. Bearing and giving birth to his child would be another way of dedicating myself to him, much like marriage or a life commitment.
‘I wonder how lovely Johann’s child would be.’
More adorable and intelligent than Thomas, no doubt. I wanted to have a son who looked just like Johann. I imagined how happy I would be if Johann couldn’t let go of the son I gave birth to who looked just like him.
No, there should be a daughter too. Maybe four or five children. I often imagined how delightful it would be if all the children surrounding him were ours.
‘…But is this really an expression of love?’
It would only truly be an expression of love if it made Johann happy, not just fulfilling my own desires.
“Our child… that would be our love made tangible.”
Fortunately, Johann seemed to really cherish this expression of my love.
“And that’s an expression of love only you can give me.”
“Exactly.”
Only I could make him a father. It was an overwhelming thought. Not just my heart but my entire body pulsated with excitement.
I longed to carry Johann’s child right then.
I could already feel the rush, a fluttering deep inside, a warmth in my belly.
“Let’s go home.”
I let go of him and took his hand, ready to start walking again, but Johann pulled me back gently.
“Rize, you know we can’t right now.”
We needed to wait until our circumstances improved. And my body wasn’t ready yet; I knew that.
“In that spirit, how about tonight…?”
While my raging desires could blind me, Johann, ever the voice of reason, tapped the jar of butter he had in his coat pocket.
“Make sure to eat at least two slices of bread slathered in this.”
“If I do that my breath will smell like garlic until tomorrow.”
We compromised on replacing one slice with plain butter. We held hands and strolled towards home.
I remembered something important that I had forgotten to bring up during our conversation.
“Johann, you said you turned down Mrs. Hildebrandt’s offer because you wanted to spend time with me. I really don’t mind, so why don’t you consider accepting her proposal?”
It was too good an opportunity to pass up, especially when many were eager to connect with military officers at the bunker.
But the child’s father isn’t just any officer; he’s a top-ranking army general, the second-in-command at the headquarters. Isn’t this a perfect chance to establish high-level military connections?
“I’m not okay with it.”
“Why not?”
“Rize, I’m not a machine that works tirelessly. I need a few hours a day to rest at home with you.”
“Ah…”
I realized I might have unintentionally pressured him to earn more.
“I’m sorry, Johann. That wasn’t my intention.”
“I know. You don’t have to apologize.”
He said he understood, but I still felt the need to explain myself, as if offering an excuse.
