I Pray That You Forget Me - Chapter 84
‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.
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Why does Johann make me feel so uneasy and anxious? When he would part his tightly sealed lips, I would feel a surge of anxiety, silently pleading:
Please don’t speak.
And when he would bite his lower lip and close his mouth again, I felt relieved. The pattern of him starting to speak, me holding my breath, and then quietly exhaling when he closed his mouth again happened more times than I could count.
“…I’m sorry.”
Finally, Johann broke the uneasy silence.
“What I said was….”
“What did you say?”
I knew all along but pretended not to.
‘I’ll act like I didn’t hear it, so please say nothing.’
Sensing my intention, Johann thankfully remained silent again. Although I was relieved he wouldn’t bring it up again, I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable about him.
Even if I could pretend I hadn’t heard the words he had spoken, I couldn’t forget them.
“Alright, I admit it. I haven’t forgotten Dana.”
This moment was a memory from after Johann confessed he hadn’t forgotten Dana.
Does that mean… that conversation was really a memory?
Did Johann truly love another woman?
So what? If that was in the past and it’s not true now, it’s okay. Loving another woman before me isn’t a betrayal.
“I have only ever been yours, and I will be forever.”
…Is a lie also a betrayal?
No, it’s not. If Johann forgot Dana and came to love me, and hence married me instead of her, then I decided that woman didn’t exist, it’s okay even if he lied to me….
It was then I remembered. In that memory, to avoid making eye contact with Johann, I had cast my eyes downward, and at the end of my gaze, there was the ring on my ring finger.
The wedding ring that was now on my hand.
When Johann confessed he still loved Dana, I was already his wife. So, the day he admitted he couldn’t forget Dana was the day he got caught marrying me while still loving another woman.
“I wish you remembered nothing.”
That’s why Johann was not pleased when I began recovering my memories. That’s why he hesitated to tell me how we ended up married.
He must have thought it was better if I forgot, thinking that Johann had married me without love and preferred that I stayed oblivious. Johann had been deceiving me all along, from before and after I lost my memories.
“Must have been something terrible not meant to be remembered by the past Rize Einemann, right?”
This marriage was a sham.
“Not knowing anything is the cure.”
But this memory, I thought it was a cure, but it turned out to be a poison.
“Forget everything. Leave only the unforgettable love.”
I wanted to forget as Johann once advised. But there was no way to unlearn a memory once recovered.
“…Rize, do you really like this?”
The flower I picked today was a hyacinth that bloomed too early and was wilted by the cold. I chose it not because I liked it but because it was the first flower I stumbled upon in my disoriented state.
“Take it, my love.”
I looked pensively at the symbol of love Johann handed me and silently asked.
‘Do you love me, Johann?’
His words and now his love began to seem doubtful.
Dana exists.
After days of denial, I had to accept it.
“Dana, I love you.”
I hadn’t misheard. Unlike Johann’s claims that he never called out such a name during our affair, and that I must have misheard while delirious with climax.
Therefore, Johann had lied to me. I had no choice but to accept another fact.
Johann is good at lying. So, could his declarations of love for me also be lies?
From the day I began to recover fragments of my memory, I spent time nearly out of my mind. Awake, I was haunted by thoughts of Dana, and there was no rest in sleep.
I looked emaciated in just a few days.
“You wouldn’t notice even if I f–k you. Like a corpse.”
The Major recently commented that my gaze seemed unfocused, resembling that of someone deceased.
“I have no interest in holding on to a woman who doesn’t even know that she’s being f–ked by me.”
Regardless of his crude remarks, my lack of reaction was consistent, both in the past and now.
However, the Major had changed; he was increasingly trying to pry into why I was unresponsive as if I were dead.
“Is something troubling you?”
“No.”
“Lies.”
The Major propped his chin on his hand and scrutinized me intensely. Even though it was futile, I averted my gaze as if he might actually see my worries. That probably made me appear even more suspicious. He snorted as if he had figured something out.
“Are you carrying your husband’s child?”
“No.”
The scoff should have been mine. Since our relationship had cooled off days ago, Johann and I had not done anything.
“Then, is it some other man’s child?”
“I just haven’t been eating well.”
If my gaunt appearance was due to not eating well, the Major should be delighted in appraising my current ‘market value.’ Yet oddly, today he seemed more intent on probing into my mental state rather than my physical condition.
“Has your husband been less than satisfactory in bed recently?”
“…”
“Or does he not pay attention to you and kept touching you?”
“…”
