I Pray That You Forget Me - Chapter 89
‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.
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“Rize.”
This cruel man calls my name with a voice that mimics sweet love, despite being a bitter poison.
“Please, tell me why you’re crying.”
He looks at me with eyes filled with love, as if my pain is his own. Of course, those eyes are not really seeing me, but another woman who resembles me.
“It hurts. It hurts so much.”
My heart aches.
“My poor love.”
There’s no need to doubt who he’s referring to now. His love is for Dana, not me. I was so desperate for any drop of love he would give me, even if it was meant for another woman. I clung to the hem of Johann’s shirt as he stood to get painkillers and pleaded.
“Hold me.”
Without hesitation, Johann hugged me. I could smell the paper and ink from his shirt, likely from preparing for tomorrow’s class. I found comfort in the arms that once held another woman.
Embracing the body that wounded my heart, I knew I was truly insane. Insane for this man.
“I love you, sniff…”
In the memory of riding with Johann in a car, I was full of regret. I must have regretted marrying him. Yet, why did I stay by the side of a man who loved another woman, burying the regret as if it never happened? I had long wondered why I made that decision.
The answer, however, was heartbreakingly simple.
Because I love him.
How could I still love my husband after seeing him with another woman?
I can’t understand it either. But love is something you feel, not something you understand.
“Why did you take this off?”
Johann took the necklace I had not thrown away and placed it back around my neck. I quietly offered my neck for him to do so.
In the end, I decided to remain as a stand-in for another woman.
Like the past me, today’s me as well.
I have changed, but my madness for this man remains the same.
* * *
I loved one man so much that I tolerated everything about him. In the past, it was his infidelity with other women. Now, he’s making me into another woman.
Did I struggle as much then as I do now? I had resolved to endure, but my heart continued to oscillate between heaven and hell.
Heaven? It must have been merely an illusion of heaven.
When Johann cared for me and showed concern, I was overjoyed, not knowing what to do with my happiness. But the moment I realized that the woman he cherished was not me but Dana, I understood that I was bound in hell.
Thus, I continued to neither eat nor sleep. The past me, too, must have endured these difficult times by staying by Johann’s side.
Perhaps Johann knew from experience. He was aware of the remedies for nervous breakdowns and insomnia. He procured herbs reputed to be good for these conditions and brewed them into tea, which he made me drink daily. The tea helped numb my emotions, though it did nothing to stop my thoughts.
At least my body, once reduced to skin and bones, began to regain flesh as food was reintroduced. Though I occasionally woke up, I could fall back asleep, preventing me from doing dangerous mistakes.
From then on, the previously forbidden activities were once again permitted. S-x was among them.
“Ah, Johann…”
“Open your legs wider.”
I hadn’t refrained from these activities simply because they were forbidden, nor did I desire them merely because they were now permitted.
“No, Johann, wait…”
“What’s wrong?”
“Don’t do it like this…”
“You don’t like it from behind.”
I don’t like it from the front either.
Even though I still love Johann, there was the vivid memory of him with another woman. It made it impossible for me to want to do the same acts, especially not in the same positions.
It reminded me that I was merely a substitute for that woman.
Is this why Johann hoped I would never regain my memories? Perhaps I would have refused to continue our relationship after witnessing his infidelity.
Knowing this, Johann kept his distance from me. When I began to seek intimacy without realizing my own memory loss, he warned me that I would regret it.
Back then, he pushed me away out of remorse, but when I forgot everything and clung to him, he couldn’t resist and resumed our relationship as if nothing had happened.
‘If that were the case, Johann, you should have forgotten too. I’ve forgotten everything, but you still can’t let go of that woman, and even during s-x, you called her name? Were you really sorry for me?’
There’s no way I would be the one to initiate this. The s-x that had been forbidden were started by Johann.
“Rize, I’ll make you feel good.”
He was under the illusion that ‘making love’ was still the most certain way to lift my mood, believing it would make me happy. And Johann’s need for my body must have been undeniable.
He was more deliberate than ever in his foreplay, but once I was ready and he began to enter me, it seemed he could no longer control himself.
“Oh, ah, ah, Johann, a little, slowly…”
“I wish I could, but you’re just so… ah…”
His member was fiercer and more intense than ever, moving in and out of me with a heat and tension that was almost unbearable. The breath and kisses spilling onto my neck were filled with the intense pleasure of a long-awaited union. And his eyes, gazing at me as he lifted his head, were filled with such fervor.
“Why is it that there’s no corner of you that doesn’t drive someone mad…?”
