I Want To Die One Day Before You - Chapter 118
Rufus stood stiff as he received Sarubia’s kiss. He felt nothing, as if he had turned into a scarecrow. His heart seemed hollow.
He couldn’t understand.
Why, why was she so tender towards him?
“I trust you. You are a good person.”
Sarubia, holding Rufus, stroked him gently.
“So, don’t cry.”
Following her gentle voice, another warmth softly touched him.
Rufus collapsed right there. He couldn’t bear it any longer.
It was just like that time.
The day Sarubia died.
“Don’t cry.”
The words she had left Rufus with echoed once again, and he collapsed like a melted candle.
She had always been like this. Always consoling him without any reprimands or complaints.
“…Stop.”
Rufus looked at Sarubia’s face, standing with her back to the moon.
“Please, just stop…”
Tears streamed down his face, unable to close his eyes. He was aware of how pitiful he looked, but he couldn’t stop.
“Why are you always like this?”
The man collapsed under the tree, stammering as he continued.
“Why are you always like this to, to me?”
His throat tightened.
Swallowed up by anxiety and fear, the man looked up at the woman who loved him.
A gentle breeze fluttered her hair. Beneath the beautifully blooming moon in the night sky, her golden eyes shone brilliantly.
Looking into those eyes, he felt captivated.
An unbearable emotion surged through him.
“You are, you are… such a strange person.”
His voice broke.
“I’ve killed the royalty you serve, and yet… you accept me just like this?”
To his self-destructive question, Sarubia nodded with a tranquil smile.
“Why…”
Rufus desperately shook his head.
“Don’t you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you.”
“Am I not despicable for harming the family you serve?”
“I don’t find you despicable.”
“Why won’t you blame me for what I’ve done?”
“I won’t blame you.”
“Why…”
“Because I trust you.”
Gently nodding, Sarubia knelt down before Rufus. Without realizing it, Rufus stepped back.
It was a kind of anxiety.
He was terrified. He was too afraid of her confession that she trusted him. He feared that it might be a lie.
“Look at me, Lord Rufus.”
Her usual voice gently swept over Rufus. Yet, Rufus couldn’t bring himself to look up.
He couldn’t handle her tenderness.
Realizing that his deeply hidden secret had been exposed, he could no longer rely on her kindness.
He had always wanted to remain a good person in her eyes.
Even if he was pointed at by others, cursed, or stoned, it was okay. But in front of her, he wanted to be someone she could like. He felt that only then would he deserve to be loved by her. Only by becoming someone who could be loved by her, did he feel he could keep her by his side.
But now, being loved unconditionally, he couldn’t believe it, and he felt no confidence in himself. The more she confessed her love for him, the more his anxiety grew.
Do I really deserve her love?
He felt as if he was deceiving her.
Maybe she doesn’t want the person I am now. I am not as good as she thinks.
He feared disappointing her, and eventually being abandoned by her.
Rufus was gripped by the fear that this cruel future might indeed come to pass.
“Lord Rufus.”
Sarubia’s voice blossomed once more.
“Why do you look so sad?”
Sarubia’s thin arms wrapped around Rufus.
“Don’t cry.”
Like a pillar, she tightly held his body that seemed about to collapse.
“Stop… please stop…”
Rufus’s emotions shattered on the back of Sarubia’s hand.
He was too unstable and too broken to fully accept her love, so he had no choice but to push away his lover who was sharing warmth with him.
Like a pitiful child pleading for one more glance.
“Let me go.”
Don’t leave me.
“I am filthy and impure. Can you say you love someone like me?”
I am a person who cannot live without you. Tell me you will love me to the end.
“You might one day regret saying you love me.”
No. Tell me you will love me forever, never regret it. Please, I beg you…
“Lord Rufus.”
Sarubia called his name in a low voice.
“You are saying the same thing I told you. That you might regret loving me.”
“…”
“Do you remember what you said then? I can answer you in the same way.”
Sarubia took a deep breath.
“Choosing to love you is my decision.”
“…”
Rufus stared blankly at Sarubia.
“Do you know?”
Sarubia wanted to breathe some warmth into his cold, scarred hands.
Because.
“You are my savior.”
