I Want To Die One Day Before You - Chapter 155
As if determined not to let him go, no matter how close he was to the edge.
Through Rufus’s cold body, he felt her warmth. It was an irresistible warmth.
“….”
Rufus silently looked down at Sarubia, who was holding him tightly.
He couldn’t understand.
Why.
Why are you the one apologizing?
You did nothing wrong.
It was my arrogance, my carelessness, and my recklessness that brought this disaster.
What did you do to deserve this, why are you taking the blame on my behalf?
“It must have hurt… a wound this deep must have been unimaginably painful….”
Why are you touching my wound with such trembling hands?
“I could only pray for you….”
Why are you making such unnecessary apologies?
“I’m sorry, Rufus….”
Why are you crying for me?
“It must have hurt so much, so much… I prayed for the wrong thing….”
Why.
“I shouldn’t have prayed for you not to get hurt….”
Why, why do you…
“I should have prayed to take all your wounds upon myself….”
Why are you so warm?
You, just…
“Don’t cry.”
Rufus slowly lifted Sarubia’s face.
Sarubia shook her head. Then, she added,
“You’re not crying, so I have to cry for you.”
“….”
Rufus couldn’t say anything.
There were so many things he wanted to say. But he couldn’t say anything.
He wanted to put a bookmark in time. He wanted to live forever in this moment, cursed by God. He felt it would be okay if everything else disappeared.
He was scared because he didn’t know when this happiness would end, so he wished time would stop right now.
So this is what it’s like.
To love someone so madly, this is what it feels like.
He couldn’t do anything.
Embracing this small being who accepted even his weak parts with all her heart, that was all he could do.
“….Sarubia.”
He draped the fallen coat back over Sarubia and managed to open his tightly closed lips.
“I… want you to smile.”
“Rufus….”
Sarubia smiled gently. Her smile through the tears scattered like pearls was dazzlingly beautiful.
Such a kind voice. A voice so tender it was unbearable.
As she always did, she spoke again.
And then,
“…Truly, Rufus. I love you.”
She whispered an emotion she could no longer hide.
The moment that small whisper burst forth like a bud, Rufus could no longer bear it.
The heart that had inherited the emotion beat weakly. The pain in his chest came alive once more.
It hurt.
As if engulfed in flames, as if pierced by thousands of thorns, the impure heart within Rufus began to rampage again. The ribs caging his heart felt like they were about to bend like iron bars. But he didn’t feel it was painful.
Rather, he welcomed it.
It was like a mark.
An engraved mark that indicated the price he had to pay to revive Sarubia, to protect her, to make her happy.
Rufus slowly brought Sarubia’s hand to his lips. Then he softly kissed her hand.
“Sarubia.”
His calm gaze fell on the scars and calluses on her hand. Sarubia smiled in response to his gaze.
Ah.
Rufus felt his heart sink.
As he gazed at her smile, a shadow of an overlapping memory came into view.
It was a memory buried in the past.
‘I want to see the fuchsia flowers in your hometown….’
The last image of Sarubia he had faced in his previous life.
At that time, he thought he had lost everything.
He never knew it was so easy for a person to fall apart.
He had returned alive from a hellish battlefield. Even after burying all his comrades in cold soil, he hadn’t shed a single tear. But in the face of Sarubia’s death, he crumbled without resistance, like a sandcastle before the waves.
When he found Sarubia again, he thought,
All he wanted was just one thing.
He wanted to love her more.
It was sincere.
More than yesterday, more than this moment.
He wanted to love her more.
That was all.
So,
“Sarubia.”
Without realizing it, Rufus knelt in front of Sarubia.
“I have something to give you.”
He took out a small box from his pocket. Inside was a magic stone ring he had specially requested from the witch Od.
“Oh.”
Sarubia paused for a moment when she saw the ring. But soon, she smiled with a curve at the corner of her eyes.
“What is this?”
“…You know what it is.”
“Hmm, I don’t know if you don’t tell me. Could it be an engagement ring?”
Sarubia teased playfully.
“….”
Rufus’s hand, holding hers, trembled slightly.
He couldn’t open his mouth.
What should he say?
There were many things he wanted to say.
I want to live the rest of my life with you.
I want to walk this life with you as a partner bound to you.
I want to share joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, happiness and pain, everything with you.
I want to stay by your side for the rest of my life.
I want to see your face until the moment I close my eyes.
Over the years, the confessions he had stored in his heart hundreds, thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of times, was on the tip of his tongue. Yet, frustratingly, no words came out. His tongue, meant to convey his vulnerable and earnest emotions, was too rigid and far too ungenerous.
