I Want To Die One Day Before You - Chapter 87
—So this is what it feels like to have your heart carved out.
A scene flashed before his eyes.
The nightmare that kept pushing Rufus into the abyss of despair. Sarubia rushing to save Rufus from the king’s strike. The king’s sword piercing through her heart.
She also…
Did she also suffer like this?
At that thought, tears began to fall from Rufus’s eyes, now burning red.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Iruel, who had been quietly watching Rufus, was taken aback.
A man who seemed like he wouldn’t flinch even if stabbed with a needle was now shedding tears. Iruel couldn’t believe the scene unfolding before his eyes.
After a while, Rufus spoke.
“…It must have hurt.”
“What?”
“Sarubia, she also… she also must have felt this pain.”
Drip, drip.
Tears fell onto the back of Rufus’s hand.
“I… I couldn’t protect her…”
Unwanted memories irrevocably resurfaced.
Rufus in his past life was too weak, too foolish.
Upon learning that Sarubia was a saintess, Rufus persistently asked her. Whether there was a way to prevent the death his grandmother would face, a death she was destined for.
Sarubia was kind. She wanted to comfort Rufus, who looked like he could cry at any moment.
So, she died in his place.
Stabbed by the king’s sword, she faced a tragic death.
Even then.
The king’s sword had precisely pierced her heart.
Thump, thump.
The irregularly beating heart transmitted the pain of the raw wound.
Had she experienced this kind of pain?
When the king’s sword had pierced her body, had Sarubia also suffered this much pain?
Yet.
How did she manage to smile until the end?
For me?
For someone like me?
Am I worth that much?
Meanwhile, Iruel looked at Rufus with an incredulous expression.
“Er, Lieutenant… did your lover also receive a demon heart transplant back in the day?”
At that absurd question, Rufus glared at Iruel and then swiftly turned his back.
“…Get out.”
“Don’t wanna.”
“Leave. I want to be alone. Now.”
“Are you sulking? Oh my, our little baby. Now you’re acting like our dear Lieutenant.”
Only then did Iruel chuckle, patting Rufus’s back. Rufus irritably pushed him away.
“Leave before I twist your neck.”
“If you insist, I’ll leave. Seriously, what a way to talk.”
Iruel clicked his tongue as if looking down on a disrespectful youth.
“Rest well. It seems you’ll likely return to the palace once you’ve recovered a bit.”
“We’re going straight to the palace?”
“Of course.”
“Then I need to send a message to the Inferna Barony. Bring me a pen and paper.”
Rufus thought he needed to inform his family of his well-being. His grandmother and younger brother would be anxiously waiting for news of Rufus.
“Must be nice. Having a family that worries about you.”
After giving Rufus the items he needed, Iruel spoke sarcastically.
“Why don’t you send a letter to your father as well?”
“What? To Viscount Eustice? I’m not close with that man. He’d probably be annoyed to be reminded that I’m not yet dead.”
“That’s exactly why you should send it. Imagine how Viscount Eustice would pull his hair out knowing you’re alive.”
“Wow, Lieutenant, you’ve truly become the devil.”
“The devil? Hah.”
“Alright. Since I don’t have anything better to do, I might as well write a letter to annoy Viscount Eustice and deliver it myself.”
Chuckling, Iruel turned around swiftly. A sparrow fluttered down to the tent floor.
“Wait.”
“What?”
The sparrow, about to fly off the tent, paused its movement.
“I have something to ask.”
“What do you want to ask? If all the squad members are safe? Don’t worry, they’re all eating and resting well.”
“I know that, but the demons…”
“What about them?”
Iruel blinked at the unexpected question.
“Did many of them die?”
Rufus recalled the two demons who had met a screaming death before his eyes.
It was his fault. He had been complacent, thinking he had fully subdued Prince Tarek with poison. Those demons had died, swept away by the sudden burst of the prince’s magical power.
Although Rufus usually despised demons, the thought that demons had been sacrificed due to his mistake made him uneasy.
“Not many died.”
Iruel replied in a stiff voice.
“How many died, then?”
“What’s the point of counting?”
Fluttering, the sparrow spread its small wings.
“Counting them doesn’t make death any less sad.”
With that remark, the sparrow disappeared through a small hole in the ceiling.
“……”
Lying on the bed, Rufus blankly stared at that hole.
The sky, now blurred, was visible. Dark clouds had gathered, looking like they could pour down any moment.
Come to think of it, hadn’t Iruel mentioned spending his childhood with his mother in the Demon King’s castle? Perhaps those involved in this subjugation were also members of the demonic castle’s family.
‘Squad leader, that person just now was really close to me, you know? Make sure to apologize when we meet in the Demon King’s castle later.’
Iruel’s passing remark came to mind.
“……”
Rufus closed his eyes.
The area around his heart still hurt. It was as hot as burning flames.
When would it stop hurting?
No, it would probably hurt for a lifetime.
He would live with this loathsome pain, tormented by it. Whenever he tried to forget, whenever he tried to become absorbed in daily life and forget, this area around his heart would hurt once again, living as if pricked by thorns for a lifetime.
Yet, surprisingly.
“……It’s not so bad.”
Covering his eyes with the back of his hand, Rufus muttered to himself without realizing.
If carrying this pain could atone for the innocent lives he had inadvertently taken—
The pain bursting from the tender wound somewhat eased the man’s guilt.
