If You Leave Without a Word - Chapter 163

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

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Cain had never once failed to give his best throughout his life. In his pursuit to regain his lost family and country, he always put his life on the line and did everything he could, earning the trust of the enemy, the Emperor, with nothing but his own strength.

Even when he first extinguished someone’s life with his own hands, Cain never fell into self-loathing as he did now.

The people of Amasril who had been slaughtered by the Nikephos knights numbered in the tens of thousands at least. For the blood and suffering they spilled, Cain had always justified the blood on his own hands, saying that he needed to repay it many times over.

Every step he had taken had always been accompanied by a reasonable justification, a cause he believed was just.

But this time…

While pouring out his anger at Duke Kristin onto Agatha, a woman who knew nothing, Cain had been consumed by the despicable thought that since she was a relative of the Duke, it was fine to take out his frustration on her.

Now, looking back on those days, Cain realized his own contradictions and pettiness, but at the time, he had not understood.

It is only after losing something that you realize how foolish your mistakes were. He had always thought there was no greater mistake than that, but in reality, he had been the most foolish and ignorant person.

It was laughable.

He had secretly harbored feelings for her, as she reminded him of his sister, but now he had hurt her just because she reminded him of another face.

While he had been caught between those two extremes, Agatha had done nothing to him. It was Cain alone who thought, felt, and misinterpreted things on his own, causing her an irreversible wound.

She was his person before being the daughter of his enemy. She was someone who had held his hand, knowing that she couldn’t refuse him, someone pitiful and grateful.

Tap. Tap.

Raindrops began to fall. Realizing he hadn’t packed his raincoat, Cain stopped his horse. His mind had been so scattered that he hadn’t even considered the basics.

“Whoa.”

The horse, slowly coming to a halt, shook its head.

It was good that he stopped in time. As soon as he took shelter beneath the large tree, the few drops of rain turned into a heavy downpour.

The sudden rain reminded him of the memories with Agatha that he had forgotten.

Cain realized that everything he had done to Agatha from the beginning had been filled with deception.

Having lost her family and standing on the brink of losing her title, Cain knew well that Agatha could not refuse his unilateral marriage proposal. He, too, had lost his family and country, and had taken Duke Kristin’s hand in desperation.

He began to wonder, what made him any different from Duke Kristin, who had used him for his own gain? He had used Agatha for his own purpose, just as the Duke had used him.

“Do I …. even have the right to criticize the Duke?”

Perhaps, in the end, he was worse than the Duke. While he had reluctantly followed the Duke’s command, Agatha had likely given her heart to him after losing her family, touched by his presence for the first time in what might have been years.

Whether intentional or not, he had used her heart.

Cain never imagined that the cost of using someone’s heart would cause him such torment.

That day in Arta, despite knowing that Agatha’s gaze had changed towards him, he had embraced her without hesitation.

He had reduced all the emotions he felt for her to mere lust. He had convinced himself that it was only natural for a man to be drawn to a beautiful woman.

In truth, Agatha had been even more beautiful that day.

So, despite the contract binding them as husband and wife, Cain told himself it would be no big deal—after all, he had been through a long battle and had never once given in to his desires. He convinced himself that at least he had respected her, making excuses in a cowardly way.

Seeing his wife’s kindness when she traveled such a long distance to care for him, he had dismissed his feelings as mere lust.

Looking back now, he realized that, perhaps, he had wanted more than just physical intimacy that day. Perhaps, he had longed to be closer to her, to share his heart with her.

Cain ran a hand roughly across his face.

The realization had been a long time coming.

Agatha. What should I say when I see you again?

Agatha, can you ever forgive me?

Agatha…

Now he understood. He could not live without her. For so long, he had thought she had regained her life because of him, but now he realized that it was she who had given him life.

The moment he confirmed her absence, he collapsed, realizing this simple truth.

“Such a fool.”

It was a curse to himself. A fool. An idiot. He didn’t even deserve forgiveness.

But despite all of this, he still longed to see her. He wanted to kiss her soft cheek, hold her warm shoulders, and confess the feelings he had never expressed before.

He didn’t want to lose her.