My Favorite Smut Author Is My Husband! - Chapter 38
The moment Lily realized she loved him, she abandoned any thoughts of retreat.
“Conflict is a necessary part of any romantic relationship.”
In that sense, Lily and Ashulin had rushed too quickly into marriage and shared affection. However, Lily had come to terms with her feelings too late, and Ashulin’s concealment of the truth had caused the delayed eruption of their conflicts.
Once the ducal estate was sufficiently distant, Lily pulled onto her lap the rather large bag she had insisted on carrying herself rather than letting it be loaded onto the carriage.
“While he realizes what it means for me to be absent, I’ll figure out what’s going on in his mind!”
Inside the bag was a stack of drafts for a new novel that she had secretly taken from his study during one of the times Ashulin, busy with work, hadn’t returned home.
It was an invaluable resource for understanding his thoughts. Lily carefully placed it back in her bag without reading it, knowing she would need it later. Ashulin, in his distracted state, likely hadn’t even noticed it was missing.
“To think I’m the captive Saintess in this scenario. This marriage wasn’t forced, yet… Ashulin seems to place me on too high a pedestal.”
What kind of lowly, worldly Saintess could there be? From the beginning, Lily had married him knowing he was the author of her favorite novels—and attracted by his striking features and solid physique.
Her motives, if anything, had been even less pure than his.
—
“If that’s the case, I need to bring myself down from the pedestal in his mind.”
She needed to show him that he wasn’t the only one with flaws, that she, too, was an ordinary person willing to roll in the dirt alongside him. Only by narrowing the gap between them could they truly connect.
Of course, there was no need to physically distance herself by leaving the estate, but Lily chose to amplify the appearance of their conflict.
No matter how late he came home or how early he left, he would notice the difference between her presence in the house and her absence.
Lily also knew that Ashulin would quietly visit her bedroom at night, even when avoiding her during the day.
“He does love me.”
She said it aloud with deliberate emphasis. Although facing his rejection often left her with a sinking heart and unwelcome doubts, when she thought rationally, she knew he cherished her in every moment.
The problem was that he cherished her so much he couldn’t even reach out properly. But his feelings were undoubtedly hers.
Looking out at the Count’s estate growing closer, Lily spoke again, trying to steady her nerves.
“Ashulin loves me, just as I love him.”
As Lily firmed her resolve, the carriage quickly passed through the gates of the Count’s estate and rolled through the garden. Her parents, who had come out to greet her, came into view, making her heart ache even more.
—
“My dear…! Come here, come here!”
Before Lily could fully disembark, her mother ran toward her, disregarding all decorum, and embraced her with a face on the verge of tears.
The warmth of her mother’s arms and the familiarity of the embrace nearly made Lily cry, but she held back when she noticed her father scrutinizing her with a serious expression.
“I felt bad for not visiting since the wedding, so I’m staying for a few days. There was no need for you to come out to meet me.”
“You’ve become so pale… You were never someone who tiptoed around like this. Oh, my poor child!”
“…Ahem. Let’s head inside first.”
Her mother’s voice was tinged with emotion. Lily tried to soothe her by gently patting her back, but the gesture only seemed to stir her mother further. Her mother grasped Lily’s face, studying her closely, and thumped her own chest in distress.
“That’s enough. You’ll make yourself ill. I’ve prepared some tea and light refreshments, so let’s go in. Leave your bags to the servants.”
“Oh, this is something important… I’ll take it to my room myself and come down after.”
“Very well, do as you like. We’ve prepared your room.”
No matter what Lily said, her parents simply nodded in agreement. She briefly worried about what to say if they asked about the contents of her bag, but it seemed they cared only about her.
The unconditional love and trust she had almost forgotten brought a bittersweet smile to her face. Clutching the bag tightly, she hurried up the stairs to the room that had once been hers.
**Clatter—**
“…Ah.”
Lily roughly pushed open the door to her old room, a place she thought might now feel unfamiliar. But as the warm air and the sense of familiarity washed over her, her throat tightened with emotion.
She slowly walked in, set down her bag, and looked around the room. The sense of stability here was something she hadn’t felt in the ducal estate. Before the fight with Ashulin, she had found comfort in their home as well, believing wholeheartedly it would become her second family.
“…Ahh.”
“…Miss…”
The long-time maid, who had followed her in to help unpack, softly called her by her old title. But Lily, unaware of the maid’s soothing tone, found herself remembering a day when she felt intimidated by the perfectly manicured gardens of the ducal estate.
*”Madam, neither I nor the staff have any intention of pressuring you. We simply hope you’ll feel at ease… and become part of our family.”*
Those had been Ashulin’s words, asking her to become family.
Lily had believed, as brightly and warmly as the sun shone that day, that they could become a good family.
—
Just as she had thrived in the home where she had grown up, she believed she would thrive in the new home she had chosen.
“Ahhh…”
Finally, the tension broke, and Lily collapsed onto the floor, letting out a low, keening cry. Despite her determination, the comfort of this familiar space broke her resolve, and sorrow spilled over.
Though they had sworn to be honest and faithful to each other in marriage, all she had wanted was for Ashulin to acknowledge even the reluctant truth she had revealed, so they could reconcile and move forward. But the tangled situation only made her cry more.
At the same time, she found herself missing Ashulin, even though she had only just left the ducal estate.
She missed him because she loved him as much as she felt sorrow.
“Ahh… ahhh…”
Even though she sobbed for quite a while, her parents didn’t come looking for her to ask why she hadn’t come downstairs. Enveloped in the familiar embrace of her maid, she cried as though she had returned to the past. But deep down, she knew she could never truly go back to the time before she understood love.
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