Please Kill Me - Chapter 155
The mix of joy and anger twisted in him, making his stomach churn. He couldn’t deny that he was losing his sanity.
He let out a strained laugh, unsure of where to land emotionally. It felt as if he’d been hit in the head. It was like he had swallowed a sweet poison.
“So Yekaterina didn’t try to kill me.”
It was infuriatingly joyful that he almost cried. The pain he had felt believing she wanted him dead was more painful than anything he had experienced.
When he first opened his eyes to that unfamiliar ceiling, he had thought vaguely,
‘Why am I still alive?’
This unwelcomed survival came with a pounding headache from the fever that hadn’t fully subsided, and the stabbing pain from where the blade had pierced him. The evidence of his survival harshly pricked at his mind.
It was the price of survival.
In the chaos of battle, such pain had once felt welcome, but in that moment, it was anything but. Surviving meant facing more days like the last three months ahead of him.
Or perhaps even more painful days than those he had already endured.
While he had suffered from simply not being able to forget Yekaterina, now he would struggle to forget someone who had actually wanted him dead.
The magic of trust that bound Leonid meant that those who had shown him kindness would never betray him.
Conversely, it also meant that anyone who had never extended a hand to him could attack him without hesitation.
It was at that realization that Leonid felt as if his heart was being ripped out.
If Yekaterina truly had wanted him dead, it would mean that every moment they shared held no significance at all. He would be the only one trapped in her shadow, flailing helplessly.
Even so, the thought of death made him instinctively think of her.
‘This is really getting unbearable.’
He was fed up with his own foolishness. He even began to feel a hint of resentment toward Yekaterina.
If she hadn’t existed, he wouldn’t have to endure such torment. He wouldn’t have to feel this way or spend his days in such madness.
If only she hadn’t accepted his feelings so readily when he admitted he wanted her. If only she hadn’t allowed him to be fooled that she felt the same way.
If even one of those hypotheticals had been granted to him, he wouldn’t have ended up in this situation…
‘It’s meaningless.’
In the end, Leonid stopped making hypotheticals. Everything felt pointless. Perhaps he was following in Yekaterina’s footsteps now.
Becoming so exhausted that he wished everything would return to nothingness, even the emotions that wandered aimlessly in a barren wasteland and finding nothing.
Leonid could finally understand Yekaterina. While he might never fully grasp her life and feelings, he could understand why she wanted to die.
He recognized that the desire for death couldn’t be so fervent without reason. It was simply wanting to give up, with death being the only escape.
There was no grand sense of mission or heroism in that desire—just the quiet ashes of loss.
‘But I survived…’
Leonid had to keep living. He bore names on his shoulders. Having missed his chance to die, he had to endure until the next opportunity came.
To do that, he needed to erase all memories of Yekaterina, and it wasn’t entirely impossible.
There were various potions made from the magic contained within the cores of monsters that could erase memories. Though these were unlicensed by the imperial family and could only be found on the black market, along with the potential for unknown side effects.
— I thought it might help Mother, but it only erases about half a year of memories. Of course, taking several might erase more…
— Using an untested drug sounds too risky.
— Yes. Moreover, we don’t know what side effects could occur from taking multiple doses. This won’t do.
Leonid recalled Yuri saying that about a particular vial.
While Larisa needed to take a significant amount to erase her memories, Leonid could potentially erase his memories of Yekaterina with just one vial.
So Leonid planned to take the potion when he returned to the palace. If there hadn’t been another person, equally unhinged, aside from him, he might have actually gone through with it.
“I really fell for it. I was completely deceived…”
Leonid’s mutterings stretched on. He still couldn’t believe it, replaying the facts in his mind over and over. The back of his head throbbed painfully, and there was an odd relief in his gut.
He felt angry towards those who had tricked him.
He thought that no matter what he heard or what Yekaterina did when he met her again, it would just be a source of torment. So he continued to believe her lies.
Yekaterina had always maintained her silence, even if she was known for lying.
