Please Kill Me - Chapter 165
Yekaterina, who rarely experienced deep emotions, found herself overwhelmed in a way that others might not have been able to contain, leading them to tears long before this moment.
The feelings she thought she could manage, which had been swirling around her ankles, surged up and trapped her entirely. No matter how much she flailed, she found herself unable to escape the tide that rose to her head.
For the first time, Yekaterina had to confront the depth of emotions she had avoided looking into. She realized just how deep the well of those feelings was, far deeper than she had expected.
Only then did she start to understand why that unshakeable longing had persisted.
It was so deep that no matter how much she tried to dig it out, it remained.
For a long time, Yekaterina had believed she could dull any emotion. She thought that in time, she could forget everything and that eventually, all of it would fade into something that no longer tormented her.
Was that arrogance?
‘Do other people live with an understanding of such depth?’
She felt her reason getting swallowed by her emotions. It was a feeling she couldn’t quite articulate.
That longing, which had always seemed so calm, and the emptiness that had occasionally nipped at her fingertips now engulfed her whole.
Yekaterina had no choice but to admit it.
“I’ve missed you… so much.”
The hand that Leonid held entwined. It was then that she realized she was practically leaning against him.
Yet even after this realization, nothing changed.
“I really wanted to forget, but nothing seems to fade, and I thought I was going crazy… I miss you so much… I’ve never felt this way before…”
She didn’t want to lie alone in bed, longing for the time spent side by side with him.
Even when she dozed off in a chair, she hated waking up and instinctively searching for him.
They had ruined each other, irreparably so.
As Yekaterina stumbled through her jumbled feelings, Leonid’s hand touched her cheek. His golden eyes searched her deeply.
“If you missed me that much, why do you keep running away from me?”
“…I’m so afraid to face you.”
“Then why?”
“Because I keep putting you in danger.”
Tears finally welled up in Yekaterina’s eyes, spilling over as they traced long lines down her cheeks.
“Leonid, I get so scared when I think about you dying. When I realized the person lying on the terrace was you, I wished it had been me that the woman killed instead.”
If that had been the case, at least she wouldn’t have had to witness his death.
“It’s really strange. Leonid, ever since I met you, everything has felt so odd. I’ve never truly longed for anything in my life, nor have I ever feared someone’s death before.”
Why is it that whenever you’re involved, everything becomes so frightening and unfamiliar?
Why is it that when you’re around, I feel like life isn’t so bad after all?
Is it because I start to hope that you want me?
“That’s why I felt like I was being punished. I shouldn’t want anything… yet I keep craving you. It felt like you were the one suffering because of me.”
Leonid’s previously stoic expression crumpled at that moment.
“What do you mean by that? Who says you shouldn’t want anything?”
“My father always said that. I’ve already received so much grace from Offenbach, so I should dedicate everything to it. I shouldn’t wish for anything.”
Thus, she had viewed her emotions as a luxury, feeling grateful just to survive.
That’s how she had lived her life.
Leonid spat out a curse at her words.
“I knew you weren’t in your right mind, but this is something else entirely. That bastard.”
“But I… didn’t truly desire anything until I met you.”
She had thought living that way was normal. No one had ever reacted to her like Leonid, and no one had ever told her that her way of life was strange.
The chains that had bound her for so long made her uncertain even now.
Was it really wrong for her to wish for something?
Was it because Leonid was the only special person who could tell her these things?
Being by his side, hearing his words, felt so sweet that it seemed less like reality and more like a dream she didn’t want to wake from.
“Is it really okay for me to want you? I just can’t be sure.”
But Leonid only scoffed at her words.
“You don’t need to be sure. If you truly didn’t want me, I would’ve thought about locking you away. That way, you wouldn’t have a chance to doubt anything.”
His calm demeanor made his words seem almost deranged, yet to Yekaterina, it felt surreal.
“That doesn’t sound too bad.”
“…You’re sounding naive. Losing your freedom is more terrifying than you think.”
“I know. I’ve been trapped often enough.”
She had truly been confined to the point of it becoming second nature. The reasons varied: not finishing her work, failing a mission, or even when Sergei had failed to poison Yuri.
Yet the most dreadful moments were undoubtedly when faced with death.
midori
thanks! so sad yekaterina being forced into a corner to confront her feelings…well, she would not have been able to escape it anyway
midori
also, i’d been having trouble posting comments for past few times, and now when i decided to send in a message to the website it works?! lol crazy