Please Kill Me - Chapter 200
However, there was no guilt. No regret for not saving them, no remorse for running away. If she had even a shred of regret, she would have been crying long ago.
The reason was simple. If she felt guilty or regretful, it would mean that she believed she should have died with her comrades.
But she didn’t regret it. She felt no guilt. And the pangs of conscience? Those were nothing in comparison to the raw sensation of life.
And so Yekaterina came to understand what it meant to survive.
The idea that such trivial emotions are of no use in survival was something Yekaterina had come to understand in full for the first time.
It was the moment when she truly grasped the teachings of Offenbach, which considered sympathy a luxury.
And so, Yekaterina thought in the snowy landscape:
‘If this is what survival means…’
I suppose I will never cry again.
And with that, she lost the ability to cry.
Perhaps she would cry in the face of her own death, but that thought was distant, almost like a vague idea.
She had no idea how she would change after passing through death.
“…Huh.”
In the dark night, Yekaterina exhaled deeply and dismounted from her horse.
Although it was dark, the moonlight made her eyes gleam brightly, and the surroundings were surprisingly bright.
Ethiel had always been like this. The night in the residential area without any lights was darker than the snow-covered forest.
The night in the snow-covered forest would highlight loneliness even more sharply.
If it were pitch dark all around, it would be like closing her eyes—nothing to see. But in the snow-covered forest, the trees, like bars of a cage, made it clear she was alone.
‘It was like that night.’
The night she passed through this forest with the blind hope of saving Leonid.
She hadn’t reflected on it, but it had been the same night of loneliness. The only difference was that back then, the fact that she was alone felt completely natural.
It wasn’t even that long ago, but looking back now, it felt unfamiliar.
Well, not now though.
“Is this the destination?”
Leonid, who had followed behind, stopped and jumped down, exhaling a long breath.
“I was curious about where you would go since you’re the one who wanted to go out at night.”
“Don’t you like the forest?”
“No, I’m just wondering why here.”
Leonid tied up the horses and walked over to Yekaterina, stepping on the snow.
Even without a lantern, it wasn’t difficult to see each other’s position. The moon was bright enough that their faces were visible from close by.
“If you want to go, I’ll go anywhere.”
Leonid said with a smile, as if he would jump off a cliff if Yekaterina asked him to.
His smile was so endearing that Yekaterina couldn’t help but smile back. She then took his hand.
“You know we’re leaving for the capital tomorrow, right? I wanted to come here before we go.”
To revisit the moment when I first yearned for your presence.
To look back together when I first held your hand.
Perhaps this was Yekaterina’s own kind of preparation.
Preparing for happiness.
By tomorrow, they will be leaving the capital.
She had long ago accepted Leonid’s request to go with him to the Rostislav territory.
In truth, no one would have expected her to refuse, but it seemed Leonid hadn’t thought so.
When she nodded in agreement to his request to go together, he had asked her several times to confirm it.
— Really? You really want to go with me? If we leave this time, we might not be able to return to the capital this year. With the territory being left unattended for so long, we might have to stay in the territory for a few years, who knows.
— I’ve already told you about this.
— I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t forgotten…
Leonid muttered absent-mindedly and then suddenly hugged Yekaterina tight.
It was then that he fully realized she was actually going to Rostislav. His face, which was filled with excitement, looked so cute that Yekaterina gently patted Leonid’s back a few times.
It had been a while since that moment.
The Rostislav mansion had already been prepared for their departure, with only a few caretakers left behind.
— We agreed to stop by the villa, so we must leave tomorrow. If the snow melts more than this, the carriage wheels will get stuck in the mud.
When asked about the schedule, Stepan had replied in this way. Of course, Yekaterina was aware of it, as she had often traveled back and forth between the capital and the family territory when following Sergei.
If they wanted to visit the forest, there was no more time but now.
More than anything, she felt that if they didn’t leave now, she would never experience this moment again.
A few hours ago, Yekaterina had seen off Dmitry as he returned to Offenbach. Before he got into the carriage, the young man with silver hair whispered to his sister.
“If that bastard does anything you don’t like, come back right away.”
“…Come back?”
“Yes. I’ll take good care of Offenbach… there needs to be a place for you when you want to return.”
Dmitry had wanted to abandon Offenbach, but he chose to stay for Yekaterina. He told her that whenever she felt the need to escape, she could return to him.
“If Sister is happy… that’s enough. I think I can live a little longer.”
Maybe, one day, he’ll get used to waiting for news from Yekaterina. Dmitry would eventually find peace with his life.
Instead of answering, Yekaterina sent him off with a hug.
As she watched the dark carriage disappear, Yekaterina thought to herself:
All endings were connected to beginnings, so now it was truly time to return to the beginning.
So, Yekaterina returned to the forest.
The first time she had ever felt the desire to go back, to want to be with someone again, was in this very forest.
“I have one question, Leonid. Were you surprised when I disappeared two days ago?”
“I wasn’t not surprised, but I figured it was just like you.”
