Please Kill Me - Chapter 201
Leonid answered calmly, but there was a slight sting in his words.
If there was someone in his life he could never fully control or understand, it was undoubtedly Yekaterina.
Even though he understood her as much as he could, there was an undeniable gap between them. There were aspects of her that his reasoning could never reach.
And so, as long as Leonid loved Yekaterina, he would have to accept that misunderstanding.
“So I waited. I believed you would come back. When you do, you’ll explain everything.”
That was the way Leonid loved Yekaterina. Instead of trying to bend her to his will, he would cut himself to create a space for her to come in.
“You’ve become more generous. You used to say you wanted to lock me away.”
“I still want to lock you up, deep down,” Leonid said as he pulled Yekaterina close, almost pouting.
Yekaterina smiled and hugged him back.
Both of them knew that Leonid’s words weren’t empty promises. They also knew that the day he would actually lock her away would never come.
Leonid was always terrified of losing Yekaterina.
It was a kind of obsession, a deep-seated fear. But he loved her too much to take away her freedom just because of his own insecurities. He had even given his heart to his uncontrollable nature.
“Yekaterina, there’s only one time I need you to speak up. When you decide to leave me.”
When that time comes, make sure you tell me, Leonid said, kissing the palm of her hand.
He often did things like this—pressing his lips to her pulse or grasping her hand, as if to make sure he didn’t miss any small movement of hers.
It was as if he needed to confirm, with every action, that Yekaterina was alive beside him.
At those moments, Leonid seemed to say with his whole body that he needed Yekaterina, and Yekaterina often found herself staring quietly into his golden eyes.
“You….always assume that I’ll leave you. But I assume the opposite.”
“There won’t be any such thing before the sun rises in the west.”
Yekaterina smiled slightly at his firm words.
“I think the same way.”
It was funny that both of them had the same thoughts and the same fears. Once, she thought there was nothing in common between them. There was even a time when she wished he didn’t know anything about her.
Yekaterina’s hands cupped Leonid’s face.
“Leonid, I’m happy these days.”
“Really? I didn’t know you even knew the word happiness.”
“It’s not a joke. Honestly, I feel like this is what happiness is.”
Recently, Yekaterina’s life has been peaceful. Sergei was dead, her relationship with Dmitry had become harmonious, and Leonid was cherishing her more than she could ever describe.
It was truly happy days.
“But if this feels strange to me, would you understand?”
When she looked into Leonid’s eyes, filled with love, she couldn’t help but wonder.
What if this happiness ends one day?
“I’ve never had anything. People around me always die, and I’ve always been an unlucky person, born into misfortune.”
Unpredictable destruction had become familiar to her. She had never held on to happiness, so she never learned how to settle into it.
“I still feel more comfortable alone than with someone else. Darkness feels more familiar than light, and being abandoned is easier than being loved. Happiness is just unfamiliar to me.”
“Yekaterina…”
The hands that cupped Leonid’s face were held gently. She gazed at her lover’s face that was furrowed with anxiety, and smiled faintly.
“I’ve always been someone who loses, so I’m always afraid of losing. If this were the past, I’d have definitely run away.”
If happiness can’t last forever, she would have chosen not to enjoy it from the start. The moment of waking from a sweet dream and being thrown into the cold reality was always the hardest.
She would have let go of Leonid’s hand while thinking that, eventually, this happiness would fade away. And then she would have buried herself in the familiar unhappiness, convincing herself not to regret it, as happiness always fades.
That’s why grasping happiness requires more courage than anything else. It feels easier to die than to face it.
“It’s strange, isn’t it? When I hold your hand, it feels like I can never go back to the way things were.”
The uncertain fears she had once felt now seemed insignificant. The only thing that terrified her was letting go of this hand, and every darkness seemed to approach like daylight.
The loneliness she had held onto, the wish that Leonid knew nothing about her, seemed to crumble like a pile of snow cast into the river.
“I was happy that day. I was happy that you came to find me. I was happy when you told me I could go back. I was happy when you held my hand.”
For that moment, for that day, she was not an outsider.
Even if she wasn’t understood, even if Leonid eventually forgot her, it didn’t matter. Despite knowing that she would have to let go of his hand one day, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
At the end of it all, Yekaterina stood here, in the place where they first held hands.
“Leonid, may I continue to hold your hand from now on?”
“…If you want, I’ll even find some handcuffs.”
Yekaterina burst into laughter at his words. There was a hint of wetness in her voice. But before long, she was drawn into Leonid’s arms, her hand still tightly entwined with his.
Their voices, both high and low, mingled with their white breath, drifting into the forest.
This was the beginning of their happiness as they walked forward, hand in hand.
<END>
midori
thanks! aaahhh, is it really the end? no side stories? i’m happy for them! they are both embracing their fears to find the courage to grasp happiness!
luna
Sadly yes! This is the last-last chapter of it. Thank you for always loving this story, I’m happy whenever I read your comments.