The Beast of the Albard Mansion - Chapter 13
Although Ellie always says sweets are bad for me, she always brings them anyway, acting like she has no choice. She then looks at me lovingly as I eat them, saying, “Kids can’t help but love sweets.” I think Ellie’s words are strange, but I like the way she looks at me.
When I was sick, had a nightmare, or got scolded by my father, I would think of the way Ellie looked at me. It was a feeling I couldn’t describe, just very warm. Like sunlight reflecting off a calm lake, cozy like fluffy goose feathers, and fragrant like wildflowers.
When I was young, I always wanted to stay by Ellie’s side. On dark nights, I would cry out her name. But Ellie was very busy and couldn’t always stay with me.
Ellie had four children and an elderly mother. When I begged her not to leave, she wiped away my tears, saying she was worried about her family at home. Her youngest daughter had the measles. “Please, my lady, don’t do this. You can sleep alone,” she said, gently but firmly pushing me away. To keep Ellie from hating me, I had to learn to sleep alone.
After that, I realized that although I loved Ellie the most, she did not love me the most. After eating a few of the sweets Ellie brought, I waved her off.
“You can go now.”
“It’s not time yet.”
“But Father isn’t here. I want to sleep early.”
Ellie was very busy. She had to take care of her family and chat with the other maids. She didn’t have much time to look after me. Of course, this allowed me to wander around the mansion alone.
Ellie smiled brightly and wished me a good night before leaving the room.
I was left alone in the large room. Sometimes, sitting alone in the room, I would feel so anxious that I couldn’t breathe. I would gasp for air, shaking with fear. Although I needed to call the maids, no sound would come out.
The loneliness was just as bad. I felt so lonely that I wanted to run outside, grab someone, and cry. But I never did.
I didn’t want to trouble Ellie. If I showed my anxiety or loneliness, Ellie would have to stay with me. Then she would look troubled. Everyone in this mansion was the same. They all tried to care for me and paid attention to me, but they had their own duties. I was a burden to them.
I knew I could manipulate them to do what I wanted by crying, being stubborn, or getting angry. But I didn’t. Because I had seen them being beaten by Father, Mother, or the head servant, whether it was my fault or not.
When someone cried, got beaten, or was in pain, it hurt and upset me too. My sister once told me that I had an excessive tendency to empathize. She said no one else felt others’ pain as much as I did. I was different.
Stroking my hair, she would say, “No one asked you to be a good kid, so why are you trying so hard to be one?” She worriedly added that good people are often taken advantage of and told me to become smart. Following her advice, I read many books, nurtured my curiosity, and tried to be clever. But the pain I felt from others’ suffering didn’t change.
Alone in the empty room, I silently left. Although it was my room, it felt strange and scary after sunset. I escaped the unfamiliar darkness of my room and went down to the dungeon, where the flickering lanterns were comforting.
“Desi!”
The dungeon was gloomier than my room, but I didn’t find it frightening because Desi was there.
Desi, who was sitting in the dungeon, jumped up and ran toward me as soon as he saw me, though the chains stopped him after a few steps.
“Desi, did you wait long?”
“I thought something happened because you were so late.”
Desi looked unusually worried.
“Sorry, did you wait long?”
“Yes.”
Desi knelt down to look me in the eyes, staring at me intently.
Desi always waited for me in the dungeon. Thinking about it made my nose tingle. Just as Ellie had been my only support before, I wondered if I was Desi’s only support. Whenever I thought that, I wanted to be even kinder to Desi.
I thought about the jingling key ring in my pocket. If I gave it to Desi, wouldn’t he be happier? He would surely be happier outside, free from the dark and damp dungeon.
Seeing Desi now, looking clean and tidy, I thought he could adapt well outside. I might never see Desi again if he left. But I felt that would be okay.
